Religion, Spirituality & Role of Rituals  

From the beginning of civilization, humans have recognized the importance of rituals such as funerals and memorials. In our modern world, different faith traditions still have meaningful rituals around death. Clergy, faith leaders, and funeral service professionals have a key role in planning funeral rituals and should always strive to include those with autism.

Many autistic adults feel excluded or are excluded from these events by others, have misgivings about attending, or be unable to physically get to the funeral or memorial service. Additionally, people with autism may have a completely different way of wanting to honor a loved one’s life that is outside conventional rituals. Supportive professionals, such as faith leaders, funeral service employees, and those involved in other forms of care can play an important role in helping a person with autism be included in these rituals as much as they would like to participate.

Rituals can be an important part of the process of grieving and mourning. Here are several ways rituals help the bereaved:

• Psychologically — Rituals after death help to confirm the reality of the death. This function of ritual may be especially important for adults with autism, as funerals can provide tangible proof that the person has died. Funerals and other rituals also provide structured activities at an otherwise disorganized time.

• Socially — Many people find comfort in mourning with others, and death rituals can provide that social support. Rituals bring family and friends together to mourn, share memories, thoughts, and feelings, as well as to celebrate the life of the person who died. Ensuring the involvement of a person or persons who have been close to the autistic adult, such as a family member, friend, or support person, can be very helpful, especially if social situations are stressful or overwhelming for the person with autism. Be sensitive to the fact that some autistic individuals will need time away from large groups or may not want to participate in some social events.

• Spiritually — Religious death rituals can provide opportunities to receive solace and guidance from faith beliefs and link people to important cultural and spiritual traditions. Religious rituals provide a common way for a community to mourn together, even if they are not all the same faith tradition. Because many autistic adults historically may have not felt a sense of community in neurotypical populations, it may be especially important to offer the opportunity for inclusion.

Each family has its own death rituals and practices that draw from cultural traditions, spiritual, religious, or humanistic beliefs as well as social backgrounds. There may be multiple events over the span of several days that precede burial or cremation, such as the period of shiva in the Jewish faith, or a wake observed by many of Catholic faith. In many traditions, other rituals or events occur well after the death, such as an anniversary mass or a dedication of a memorial stone. Providing the autistic person with information and options about participation in these rituals can be an important step in helping them to understand and adjust to the death.

There may be times when attending formal rituals is not possible for an autistic adult. There may be transportation issues that limit physical attendance, or they may be deliberately barred or discouraged from attending a funeral or other event. While these cases are not ideal and could be upsetting, there may be other options for alternative rituals or memorialization to support the person in their grief. Think creatively and include the autistic adult in deciding what might be a meaningful way for them to remember and honor the person who died. Some options for memorialization could be the opportunity to create a memory book or photo album, or a task-based activity such as planting a garden in honor of the deceased.

While self-determination and inclusion are strongly valued, there may be some situations where the person with autism may be too upset or uncomfortable in a particular setting to benefit from the experience and may decide not to attend. In situations where including the autistic adult is not a viable option, it could be helpful to consider an alternate ritual, as rituals can be powerful tools in helping to process grief (as noted above).

Some possibilities that may be valuable to the individual with autism include:

• attending a private viewing
• participating in a virtual viewing
• participating in a more private ritual, such as a day of remembrance
• making a private visit to the cemetery
• sending a condolence card or flowers to the deceased’s family
• lighting a candle, looking at a photo album, or making a memorial donation
• visiting a park, restaurant, or a place that is associated with the deceased

As many people have experienced during the COVID-19 pandemic, virtual funerals and memorial services are now widely used. This may be a good option if the individual with autism engages in behaviors that could be seen as disruptive or has a need for physical activity that might not be appropriate during the ritual. It is worth noting that some autistic behaviors that are viewed negatively, such as stimming, are methods used by people with autism to self-regulate. Societal knowledge and acceptance of stimming would make activities such as funerals more obtainable for autistic people.

If participating virtually, ask the autistic adult if they would like a supportive family member or friend, if available, to be with them while they watch.

Mary, 50, was unsure if she wanted to attend her father’s funeral, as she had never been to one before. The funeral director invited Mary and her sister to the funeral home and walked them through what would happen during the visitation, funeral services, and at the meal following the service. Mary asked what she should say to people as they arrived and what to do if she felt she needed personal space. Because Mary’s sister and family were also grieving, the funeral director offered to have a staff member available to sit with Mary during the service and provided an option to signal that Mary needed to leave or step outside at any time. This allowed Mary to feel comfortable with the expectations of the funeral and choices in how and when she wanted to participate.

Reflection Questions

• How can funeral directors help families in this situation?
• Should the funeral director assume or wait to be told about an autism diagnosis?
• If Mary had not been included, how might that have affected her grief experience?

Eli, 26, finds being around crowds of people stressful; he rocks back and forth and hums to himself when he is overwhelmed. Others who do not know him well find his type of self-soothing behaviors distracting or confusing. During the planning for his grandfather’s funeral, the rabbi asked Eli how he might want to participate. Eli chose to sit in the front with his family; focusing on the rabbi rather than the crowd behind him was less stressful for him. He also left first so he didn’t have to pass the crowd and chose not to participate in the receiving line.

Reflection Questions

• What did they do right?
• What are some other options for Eli?
• How can characteristics inherent to ritual be potentially supportive for autistic grievers?